Monday 18 May 2020

Inseminate the Doctor (Veronica Chaos, 2019) [NSFW]

Television's titular Time Lord


Name a sexy ventriloquist.

You can't, can you?  Okay, maybe Nina Conti.  Wait, who said Ray Alan?  Psychopath.

Anyway, it was only recently that the rather fetching cosplaying cam girl Ms Veronica Chaos penetrated my sphere (no, that's not a euphemism - though I should have absolutely zero objection should she express an interest in so doing), and her puppet-based antics have certainly (wood) rocketed her to number one in any such festive fifty of mine.  Okay, she's the only person on that list.  It's a niche list.

When one's main obsessions are i) genre film and television and ii) pornography, the amount of crossover can be quite surprising.  I mean, maybe not the ye olden days, when the best one could hope for would be something along the lines of Jamie Gillis and Annette Haven's antics in Phillip Marshak's rather genius 1978 Dracula Sucks (also known as Lust at First Bite, and I really should get round to watching that again sometime.  Purely for review purposes, obviously, and not at all because Ms Haven and Kay Parker are in it.  Dearie me, no), or John Leslie's (no, not that John Leslie!) 1988 AVN award-winning cash-in on the '82 Paul Schrader remake of Cat People - the rather obviously monikered The Cat Woman, which rather charmingly spawned a 1991 sequel titled Curse of the Cat Woman making Leslie the Val Lewd-ton of porn.  Yes, that pun was awful.  Your groans are indeed accurate.


These days, though, the porn parody of a genre title is a big thing with the once-niche market crowded with everything from Joanna Angel's Burning Angel studio's horror movie take-offs such as 2004's Re-Penetrator or 2012's Ash-tastic Evil Head, to the glut of Axel Braun-helmed naughty superhero bonkbusters, to Dick Bush's Danny D-starring parodies such as Sherlock: A XXX Parody (aka Sherlock Bones), to filth from a galaxy far, far away such as Star Wars: The Force Awakens - A XXX Parody and Star Wars: Underworld - A XXX Parody.  Yeah, i've done a few of these things now.  Only hundreds more to go!


I suppose my own first exposure to such wonderments (aside from Misty Mundae vehicles such as Lord of the G-Strings and Playmate of the Apes that would periodically manifest themselves from the Skinemax universe onto video shop shelves in all their softcore girl-on-girl glory) was probably Doctor Screw.  Produced by The Adult Channel deep in the dim and dark abysm of back-time known as 2006 when Who had made its glorious return on the BBC (hmm... jokes about pr0n... the words "on the BBC"... no, not spotting any opportunities there) and starring canonical Doctor Mark Sloan and his lovely companion Holly. Well, I saw four episodes of it, but I think it was enough to get the gist. Sadly, I never got to see Dr Screw's final confrontation with the Mistress, played by the very sexy Lena Frank aka Franki. I'll have to see if I can track the.. er... climax down some day.

I've also seen The Doctor or The Doctor XXX or whatever it's called. A fine continuation: they even brought back old Sloan for a regeneration scene into new younger Dr Screw Danny D at the start. It's like a mucky version of the 1996 TV Movie with McCoy handing over to McGann. Warms the cockles (sp?), quite touched my heart. Then Georgie Lyall turned up in it and something else got touched.

I've also seen the Wood Rocket Doctor Whore Porn Parody, which is amazeballs. Especially the bit where Rory says to Amy "I'm going to make my Angel weep all over your face". I bet Moffat's watched it.

I own Abducted by the Daleks but I haven't watched it yet. Apparently it's shit. I'll get round to it.  And I never got round to Dr Loo and the Filthy Phaleks, taking the puerile gags to the ne plus ultra with its portaloo (I was defeated, you won the war) TARDIS.  Which was named the TURDIS, as any nine year old would be able to tell you.

So out the three i've seen so far, I rate 'em:

Wood Rocket one

Classic Doctor Screw (just for it's charm)

The Doctor Screw XXX / The TVM.

Anyway, now that we're in the era of Jodie Whittaker and at last have the first incarnation of the Doctor that I would seriously like to interfere with (DILF?) since Paul McGann (look, i'd just turned 17 and the Eighth Doctor bewitched mine eyes and my heart and my crotch.  No, it wasn't just a phase - I still would) it's about damn time that a cosplaying cam girl retired the obvious Harley Quinn stuff for a while and got her Doctor on and me off.  Talk about fanwank.


Opening in a pretty nice CG rendition of the Thirteenth Doctor's infinity-mirrored and crystalline console room  (a TARDIS console room bemoaned by some sections of fandom, but one that I genuinely quite like - i've always wanted a crystal time rotor), proving that Adobe Aftereffects have come a long way since adding lasers to the eyes of the zombie alien in The Dark (that's a Brandon Tenold joke, and if you don't know who that is you should stop reading this immediately and go and subscribe to his Youtube channel, because he's cool.  But then come back and finish reading this: this blog isn't monetised or anything but I get what little validation for continuing to exist from people reading this stuff.  Sad but true), the Doctor is talking to herself about her most recent and risky mission to prevent a third Suicide Squad movie being made when her haven is invaded - by which I mean the TARDIS, we'll get to the other one shortly - by the latest in a long line of Last Daleks.

After some brief confusion on the Skarosian pepper pot's part as to whom it is facing -

"Is it the hair?  Do I need, like, a long scarf or something?"

"THE DOC-TOR HAS MORE CON-VIN-CING ACCENT."

(In fairness, unlike Costner in Sherwood facing the sheriff of "Notting Ham", Ms Chaos does make an attempt and at least pronounces words like "half" properly)

- the Dalek begins quoting Winston Churchill, having the unfortunate effect of rendering the awful 'Victory of the Daleks' canon to this wonderful universe despite my best efforts to forget it ever happened, before revealing its new protocol to rebuild the Dalek Empire: inseminating the Doctor and making her Time Lord body the mother of the new Dalek race.  After acquiescing with surprising speed, the Doctor lifts up her top and reveals her Gallifreyan goodies in order to allow herself to be scanned whilst indulging in this human thing that they call "foreplay".  It doesn't take much of this to get the man in a tin can sufficiently aroused to perform his duty, opening a hatch in its skirt section to extend a prosthetic wang on a pole and begin rhythmically machine-fucking the good Doc.


Looking extremely fetching getting railed by the red Dalek - and boy was my Dalek red too by this point - and even managing to emit an "Oh, bloody hell!" between moans (which at least makes her Britishness equal with that of Amanda Tapping's Helen Magnus from Sanctuary [has anyone done a porn version of that yet?  She'd totally fuck Bigfoot, I know it]), the Doctor is soon crying out "Inseminate me!" and with a croaking cry of "EJACULATE!" the Davros spawn delivers a Creampie of the Daleks in a nice POV shot that gives us a good look at her ring modulator.  Sitting up with legs akimbo, she then teases her pummelled pudenda until she expels not only a chunk of gunk but four pink plastic eggs of love (not quite the legendary ping pong balls being fired from a Thai lady [and I do wonder whether Boris Johnson would consider the resulting smell of such balls to carry a "whiff whaff whiff"], but amazing all the same) and declares that her new Dalek children will be Daleks of love.  Aww.


Fifteen minutes of fan service fun well spent, methinks.  Ms Chaos has done a couple of other Doctor Who-related videos - including seizing upon the obvious dom overtones of the "Kneel before me and call me Master" scene from 'Spyfall' to do a BJ scene (alas, pay day ain't until next week... So far away...) - as well as other genre filth such as the quite brilliant Twin Peaks video Damn Good Pornography and even a Daria cosplay (Morgendorffer muck FTW!).  I have an idea that her naughty creativity and ever so cute slight speech impediment (why yes, the sentence "like a young Nina Hartley" does make my pants perk up, thanks for asking) will be keeping me merrily entertained for a while.


Canon as fuck.

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