While George Lucas' long-mooted TV series set in his long time ago galaxy far, far away Underworld may never have reached our screens - despite years spent in development hell with scripts being reportedly worked on by everyone from Life on Mars' Matthew Graham to Battlestar Galactica's Ronald D. Moore - such trifling matters have never stopped the veritable juggernaut that is the pornographic parody. From studio Digital Playground (and the initials 'DP' are quite, quite appropriate for the subject matter) and prolific director Dick Bush, Underworld - A XXX Parody does exactly what it says on the tin - taking the mooted setting of the seedy underbelly of Lucas' Star Wars settings to spin a tale of the lowlifes and subculture of the universe, though with the navicomputer's co-ordinates firmly set on masturbation rather than midichlorian or Mandalorian.
Opening with the usual canonical opening roller caption, the scene is set establishing that - in a move that surprised me by pulling (not that way, not yet) from the now-defunct Legends literature - the Order of the Black Sun rules the clubs and brothels of Coruscant. Here we are introduced to the Togruta bounty hunter Danni Ora (Aria Alexander, looking very fetching in red and white body paint, montrals and head-tails, and making my wet dreams of a live action adult Ahsoka Tano come true [and quite hard]), who is presently working as bodyguard for spoiled senator's daughter Tyleah Daivik (Eva Lovia, proving - as if Femi Taylor in Return of the Jedi and Natalia Tena in The Mandalorian already haven't - that Twi'leks are 'teh sex'). After being persuaded by her coquettish charge to join her on the dancefloor for some spice-fueled bumpin' 'n' grindin', Danni finds herself passing out from all the Corscanti disco sherbet and therefore completely misses out on the raid on the nightclub by kidnappers who blast the boozed up patrons and spirit Tyleah away. Waking later feeling like death among the actual dead, Danni is greeted by fellow bounty hunter Dengar (British army man stud Luke Hardy, playing a younger version of the briefly-glimpsed Empire Strikes Back character, very much the Ewan McGregor to the Original Trilogy's Maurice Bush [what? Yes, i'm taking this seriously as canon!]), who is happily stripping the corpses of their valuables and lifting drinks from the empty bar.
After establishing that the Black Sun organisation are undoubtedly behind the snatching, Danni pleads Dengar for his help by persuading him that he's not the only one feeling 'thirsty' ("You know, some people tell me i'm a tall glass of water...") and positioning herself provocatively atop the bar counter clad in her doubtless practical for bounty hunting garb of strips of PVC and buckled heeled boots. Showing a flimsiness of armour that clearly isn't Beskar steel, she easily pulls away his codpiece and eagerly and noisily slurps on his cable before flipping over with her head dangling over the bar top to receive a face fucking. After alternating between doggy-style and standing - and is it wrong that perhaps the most arousing part was when she began to fellate her own head-tails, demonstrating that she could give a double BJ without any problems? - they return to oral for the
The second scene opens with the bound and gagged Tyleah being led through the alleyways and spice dens of Slum District 311, replete with headless burning Artoo units like the flaming metal trash cans one sees cinema hobos gathered around, by burly henchmen Zeb (Monty Don - no, not the gardening one) and Aiden (Juan Lucho) who argue about who has the most powerful weapon - subtly, yes? - until the Twi'lek temptress mentions just how rich and powerful her father is. Deciding that they'd rather have fun than work for Black Sun, the guys swiftly switch sides and slip their bounty out of her slinky dress to admire her beautiful blue breasts. Dropping to her knees betwixt them, Tyleah takes each tackle in her mouth, tickling the tips with her talented tongue, before assuming the position for a good old spit-roasting. Shot by both sides taking lengths inbetween both sets of lips, Tyleah's turned as the sides switch at half time (you'd think who takes heads and who takes tails could be decided by a coin toss, really) and alas the illusion of alien orgasm is slightly spoiled by the body paint slightly peeling away as her pussy is pounded - but what're you gonna do? The sweaty session concludes with both dudes delivering their doses over her face, before she takes advantage of their exhausted distraction to shoot one of them with his own gun. Before the situation can escalate, the feared leader of the Black Sun, Kendra Veris (the very sexy Alessa Savage, devilishly alluring in purple-red pigment, leather corset and thigh high boots) arrives and dispatches the second lackey herself for daring to defy her orders about "fucking with the merchandise". She then ominously warns Tyleah that she fully intends to get her money's worth out of her: "I know just the place for a girl like you..."
We then return to the adventures of
Episode IV of our salacious saga takes us to Level 3125 of Coruscant and the Black Sun brothel, brimming with bawds and Bothans, where horned and horny patron Rayfe (Nick Moreno) is refusing to go home and rethink his life by dispensing death sticks to the scarlet-maned Mara (ravishing redhead Ella Hughes, showing that unlike the sequel trilogy this movie is ready to give us an auburn-tressed character named Mara). The jade - see what I did there? - accompanies him to his room where his appointment awaits in the shapely form of a bright pink hued Twi'lek named Nikana (gorgeous Polish anal queen Misha Cross). As Nikana performs a sultry dance that would have had Jabba filling his palace with drool, Mara proves that she's good for sucking on more than just death sticks by filling her face with gobbler's knob before lying back to stroke herself watching as Nikana takes over on oral duties - getting a thorough deep throat fucking and devouring the swordsman's rapier to the hilt. She then proceeds to accept Mara's open-legged invitation by burying her face in ginger minge while having her pink rump pumped, giving the 'rear entry permitted' green light for Rayfe to plumb the depths of her rusty Moff's badge while she laps at Mara's luscious labia. All the while, this menage is being witnessed by a hog-tied Tyleah, who is off-limits to regular customers as the exclusive reserved property of Thracken. Perhaps spurred on by her fellow Twi'lek's plight, Nikana ends the session by producing a curved blade and slashing Rayfe's throat in revenge for her subjugated people, leading to a catfight to the death with Mara who ends up with a length of steel rather than meat buried in her. Le petite mort followed swiftly by le grand mort. Seems fair.
Next Danni and Dengar decide to infiltrate the brothel, with the delightful Ms Ora (not Rita) donning an even more revealing outfit than her usual one - which seems scarcely possible - that consists of a few leathern straps and is utterly fetish-tastic. After catching the eye of the clientele, Danni is handed over by Dengar, who is posing as her pimp, and is quickly ushered into the company of Nash Thracken himself (Nacho Vidal himself) where she is reunited with Tyleah. Liking the idea of a bit of playtime with "the senator's daughter and the cheap whore", Thracken is swiftly getting gobbled good as he thrusts his shaft between Tyleah's thighs intercrural style while Danni laps at his bulb. A great mutual blowjob follows, with Nash taking turns to alternate his cock between both girls' slobbering mouths in the greatest union of red, white and blue since the founding of flags. As the Twi'lek mounts him cowgirl and the Togruta sits on his face, the grateful godfather's tackle and tongue both get a thorough workout. A nasty bout of coitus interruptus is narrowly avoided only due to noshin' Nash pumping his generation juice all over Danni's tits just before being distracted by a hubbub from outside - a diversion that she quickly takes advantage of, punching him and delivering an elbow to the gut (usually one has to pay extra for the rough stuff, so I really don't know what he's complaining about). Dengar then makes his entrance, taking out Nash with his blaster (his actual gun, not his tallywhacker). The trio emerge into the brothel's foyer, now strewn with the corpses of clients Dengar's dealt with, apart from one supine survivor who gets trodden on by both Tyleah and Danni in their stiletto heels, spat on and called "Bantha poodoo" - again, some of us will pay good money for this type of thing - before Dengar delivers the coup de grace of a laser to the head and leads his liberated ladies outside.
As the triumphant trio come full circle and return to where it all began at the Dealer's Den cantina ("It's like poetry", said a certain G. Lucas, "it rhymes!"), their celebratory round of drinks is interrupted by a recalcitrant Kendra with her bounty hunter minion (Marc Rose). The pretty purple putain apologises to Danni, admitting that the Black Sun is weak and offering the chance to join together in a new alliance of bounty hunters. Tyleah and Danni decide to test her commitment to this new covenant on Coruscant via a three-way bout of snogging and fingering which can't fail to catch the attention of the room's two male members (and I mean that most euphemistically, folks!) and the bounty hunting blokes soon get in on where the action is. After the ladies once again prove their sword swallowing skills (and i'm sorry to harp on about it, but Christ does Alessa look gorgeous when she's slurping on a nutsack), the ladies take turns being taken over a table until both Kendra and Danni take her henchman's hummus all over their faces and Dengar delivers his donation directly into Tyleah's twat in a move I like to call a 'Corellian creampie'.
Quite frankly, my dear, you had me at Misha Cross, Ella Hughes and Alessa Savage (if the third scene is described in a little less detail than the others, it's because it's really quite difficult to write things down whilst masturbating furiously). If Stella Cox and Joanna Angel had been involved too, I think i'd probably be endlessly watching it on an eternal loop and outdo that kid who pissed off Alec Guinness by saying he'd watched Star Wars over 100 times. Packed to the gills with sly canonical references and greedy (if not Greedo) girls, this comes in at a definite seven sexy Kylo Rens out of ten. With more lapping and necking than 'Lapti Nek', I couldn't give a XXX for anything else.
Canon.
No comments:
Post a Comment