Those of a similar age and similar inclinations to myself may remember, back in the backward abysm of time (namely, the early 2000s), being entranced by the erotic adventures of the pert and pale as milk Erin Brown, aka Misty Mundae. As Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee were to Hammer, Ms Mundae and performers such as Darian Caine were to Seduction Cinema: stalwarts of their sleazy and silly softcore output. Whilst she might in more recent years have gone on to the slightly more mainstream side of genre productions (if any part of the horror/exploitation field can be called "mainstream" or "respectable") in things like Lucky McKee's Masters of Horror segment Sick Girl (2006) and the Sesame Street-themed puppet parody Nightmare on Elmo's Street (the brilliantly-monikered Bill Zebub, 2015) under her real name, it is as Misty that we remember her, engaging in such straight-to-video Sapphic antics as Gladiator Eroticus: The Lesbian Warriors (John Bacchus, 2001), Playmate of the Apes (John Bacchus, 2002) and The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String (Terry M. West, 2003).
The latter of this parodic trilogy had also featured Misty's sibling Chelsea Mundae, who had co-starred in her debut I Was a Teenage Strangler (William Hellfire, 1997). The pair would go on to star in the Seduction softcore-noir Sin Sisters (Tony Marsiglia, 2003), which is actually a better film than you might think. But that's not what we're looking at today.
New York Wildcats (filmed in 2003 but not seeing the light of straight-to-DVD day until two years later) is a remake/rehash/reimagining/ripoff of sexploitation pioneer Joseph W. Sarno's 1972 film Swedish Wildcats (aka Every Afternoon) which had starred Diana Dors as brothel madame Marghareta presiding over such Scandinavian sexpots as Christina Lindberg and Cia Lowgren. The slightly more down-at-heel Seduction slight return instead stars Chelsea Mundae in the role of Aunt Marghareta, proprietress and procurer-in-chief of a rather grotty establishment on the Lower east Side which is being threatened by the protection racket headed by one-note Sopranos parody Mr Camute (John Paul Fedele, also director of photography on the film so at least they were getting their [hopefully low] pay cheque's worth: the cinematography is only marginally better than his 'acting'). When Camute and his hired goon (John Boom) turn down the madame's request as to whether they seek "fine ladies of the world" and he instead demands "My fucking money!", we are treated to some of the most leaden and clunking dialogue this side of an Eric Saward script editing session as Marghareta responds "Your Money? I do not understand. Of which money do you speak, sir?" in a bored and robotic monotone that elevates it to the dizzying heights of kitsch joy.
After upping the protection money to "sixteen thousand five hundred fucking dollars[...]every Friday, from this Friday on", Camute and his henchman nonchalantly attend the house's burlesque action, wherein Marghareta's girls dance on a stage before being bid on by members of the audience to become the paying punter's puppet of pleasure.
First up is "everyone's favourite pussy" Kitty Katie (Katie Jordan), who cavorts in feline facepaint, cat ears and studded collar while stroking her own bejazzled pussy before being bought for $5000 by a lusty lady (Allanah Rodes, credited as 'Bondage Female') who leads her to a plastic-lined play area to lap mill from a saucer before they begin eagerly lapping at each other. After some PVC-clad bondage and rope play, Katie inquires as to her new owner's motives for paying such a high price for her - "Not that i'm not worth it" - and asks if she knows about Camute's attempted shakedown of the place.
The "next animal delight" up on stage is the slithering and sensual Ruby the Texas Rattlesnake (Ruby Larocca), gyrating in glittering green body paint and flicking her long tongue in serpentine fashion. Camute's henchman pays the princely sum of $2,500 for "reptilian pleasure" and is guided by a now latex-clad Ruby to the pool room for a "rattling good time", wherein she uses her talented tongue on his own trouser snake before baring her bum on the billiard table and delivering the deathless dialogue "Well, what are you waiting for? This is prime reptilian ass! Get in there!" before receiving a bum-burgling buggering from the bum who emits such gems as "You like my snake, you little bitch? Hiss for me!".
Last up on the auction block is the prize chicken of the establishment, the "pure, unadulterated" Pleasure the Peacock (the lovely Misty Mundae) who dances bedecked with feathers including a peacock tail and a feather boa which she undulates betwixt her legs in a stimulating fashion. Pleasure's pleasing plumage catches the eye of Camute, who demands ownership of "this fine, feathered fuck" without paying ("I'm the cock, and that's my fucking hen!"). Taking her into her nest (which includes among its ornamentation a lighted crystalline peacock startling reminiscent of Argento's own Bird with the Crystal Plumage), Camute proceeds to snort disco sherbet in large amounts while demanding that Pleasure dance for him while downstairs Ruby informs Kitty and Marghareta that she's been informed by the sated mook that Camute isn't here for normal fun but rather stuff rough enough that Pleasure will be "lucky to wind up in hospital". Reconsidering her house's "never say no" policy regarding the clientele in light of Camute's ill intentions towards both the Bowery brothel itself and the "world-famous Peacock" in particular, Aunt Margharete takes the girls and crashes the party.
Offering the coke-addled gangster the privilege of a no holds barred, never say no four-way session with the kitty, the snake and the peacock, the wily madame distracts the befuddled brute by ordering the three girls to put on a show. As they dance, touch and lap at one another Camute unknowingly snorts a mirror full of a white powder that isn't the one he was looking for. As Marghareta clutches him in a chokehold and informs him that strichnine will do that - and that he shouldn't fuck with the New York Wildcats.
Obviously this couldn't be described as a good film under any circumstances whatsoever, but at a brisk and brief 46 minute running time one can't conceivably get bored. Frankly, i've passed the same amount of time watching an episode of Space: Above and Beyond and that kind of tedious wastage of three quarter of an hour of life puts this into perspective. Low on plot beyond a straightforward revenge story and with little character apart from stock gangster goons, it's still a diverting enough piece of ephemeral yet entertaining enough erotica to brighten up a rainy Sunday morning.
