Saturday, 27 June 2015

The Wickeds (2005, John Poague)

Well, for a start the director can 'Poague' Mahone for making this straight to DVD slop.
Now, let me begin by saying that i love cheap horror movies. Can't get enough of 'em. I adore "Plan 9 from Outer Space". I loved "Chopping Mall" and "I Dismember Mama". But this... abomination...
Shot on camcorder in a local graveyard and what seems to be someone's garden shed standing in for the requisite "Evil Dead" shack, this stars (and i use the word advisedly) porno legend Ron Jeremy and the local amateur dramatics society. When the Hedgehog of Sex puts in a movie's best performance, things ain't looking good.
Anyhow, the plot - such as it is - involves two cretinous gravediggers stealing an amulet from the body of a magician / vampire, who promptly rises from the grave to retrieve his filched property, and conjures a horde of zombies from the surrounding graves to help him besiege a shed full of dozy students in which said gravedigging thieves have taken refuge. Leaving aside the question of how a vampire summons zombies, what follows is some of the most inept stuff committed to film. The girl who is spuriously "possessed", gaining spooky eyes DRAWN ONTO HER EYELIDS had me paralysed with laughter rather than fear.
Worth viewing only for the hot brunette chick (Kelly Roth) and the awe-inspiring stunt sequence where a guy hangs and drops a whole 3 feet onto some straw. They even play it in slow motion for maximum devastating effect. This film may well be toxic: do not approach.


  1. That's not a film, that's Penance. What did you do to deserve it?!

  2. I've actually seen it twice.

    I may need professional help.

  3. So... does the vampire get his jewellery back or not? I need closure on this important issue.

  4. I'm not going back to find out, but i don't think that he actually does. No wonder he's pissed off enough to raise an almost dozen-strong army of rubbish zombies to avenge himself upon the tea-leaves responsible. I'd do the same in his situation.