Thursday, 2 October 2025
Scared to Death (William Malone, 1980)
Monday, 29 September 2025
A Very Adult Wednesday Addams (Joanna Angel, 2015) [NSFW]
Being most of the way through the second season of the glorious gothic phantasmagoria of Wednesday and eagerly waiting finishing it by the end of September (yes, it can take me a while with current series, there's only so many hours in the say and so much film and television that needs watching. Spoiler-dodging his become something of an art at this point) my idling thoughts about Jenna Ortega and goth chic and goth chicks wander, as is their wont, to the dirty end of the dark side.
For the longest time I've been trying to find a reason to extol my longtime obsession with Joanna Angel and her prolific litany of works that have brought me much intense joy over the years (in fact, I honestly thought I had done years ago when I meant to write a review of her superb Evil Dead parody - titled, appropriately, Evil Head - but apparently that was just another in the long, long line of things that I meant to get round to doing but either got distracted or just never bothered; though I did scribble down my thoughts on Doug Sakmann's 2004 Re-Penetrator [HERE], a skit on the classic Re-Animator that starred the divine Ms Angel and her Evil Head co-star Tommy Pistol).
In any case, I have very much enjoyed her works including her musical output. I can't decide between 'Ay Lay Un' and 'Fish Food' as the song I like best to be honest: the former is about aliens so naturally it should claim my love, but the later has a really fun music video so maybe wins on that score ("To the bottom of the pool, of course / Of course! (GIGGLE)"). But they're both slices of '60s inflected punk-pop heaven in my opinion. She may not have the greatest voice in the annals - I mean, she's more used to anals right? - of music history, but it works for me in a kawaii kewpie doll vocalising sort of way. With guitars. And buttfucking, probably.
For any uninitiated out there who may have stumbled naively into this piece, the artiste known to the world as Joanna Angel was born Joanna Mostov in Brooklyn, New York in 1980 (which makes her a year younger than me, which wouldn't be a problem apart from the fact that she has resided in the 'MILF' categories of porn for quite a while and that makes me feel old) and grew up in New Jersey - working in a kosher restaurant in Teaneck and graduating from Rutgers University before founding the alt-porn Burning Angel website in 2002. Which I may have come across whilst I was myself at uni, now that my aged memory struggles to think about it. Thereabouts or very shortly thereafter, anyway.
When it came (and so did I, of course) to deciding which of her Burning Angel movies to scribble a review about I was hard pressed to choose. So many great titles to choose from, including the rather magnificent As Above, So Below from 2018, which is certainly the best no holds barred (and indeed no holes barred) gangbang that takes its title from the Emerald Tablet of Hermeticism that I've ever seen - if you know of any others, please let me know. The shortlist also included not only but also the amusingly titled Fuck This Couch (a favourite of smoky-eyed Vice President and connoisseur of upholstery J.D. 'Just Dance' Vance, no doubt) as well as rather wonderfully self-explanatory Goth Anal Whores 2, the prospect of which had me not only foaming at the mouth and glans but also was enough to make me abandon my generally de rigueur rule of never watching a sequel without having first viewed the original; a cast including lady Joanna herself (also on writing and directing duties such are her skills as auteur as well as star) plus queens of the nightside Aiden Ashley (wearing a collar and leash in a wonderfully ball-emptying sweaty scene of ass 'n' vag-munching, fingering and buttplugs with Joanna), Charlotte Sartre (playing with a ouija... sorry.. orgy board before taking a big schlong up the wrong 'un) and the lovely Marley Brinx (in a threeway with the aforementioned Tommy Pistol and Small Hands - the very jammy real life Mr Angel - that ends with her gorgeous face plastered with cum). Wonderful film, extremely highly recommended. Alas, I don't think my vas deferens would survive another viewing so for the purposes of a review I went with this prophetic 2015 vision of a hot Wednesday's exploits.
Or should that be sexploits? Yes. We'll go with that.
Taking its inspiration - though this one both has and causes a whole lot more perspiration I can tell ya - from the title of the 2013 to 2015 Youtube series Adult Wednesday Addams by Melissa Hunter and having the extended title of A Very Very Very Adult Wednesday Addams in the opening credits, we kick off with a house-hunting Wednesday (Draven Star) being interviewed by dudes Xander Corvus (Peter Parker / Spider-Man in all those Axel Braun XXX Marvel parodies where he continually fires out a white sticky fluid almost but not entirely unlike 'web') and Mr Pete as a prospective new housemate for their shared apartment.
"There comes a time in every ghoul's life when she has to leave the family plot and find her own mausoleum" says the groovy ghoulette, who has no time to waste on wastemen and wants to skip the smalltalk of the digs being a "4/20 kind of place" and get down to smoking something fleshier than a fat chronic blunt. You know what I mean.
The guys naturally don't much encouragement; when a girl says "Gentlemen, please remove your pants and we can proceed as the Darkness taught us" she tends to mean it. Unless she's talking about Justin Hawkins' '70s metal tribute band. Fortunately for both them and out eardrums, the type of wanking she has in mind involves frenulums rather than fretboards and she's swiftly on her knees taking mouthfuls of man meat and putting those tongue piercings to proper use. "How's your gag reflex?" asks Xander as she demonstrates how to have your tonsils ticked with a todger in various positions: standing bent over, reverse cowgirl (always a fave) and mish as she takes it from both ends before a great and very loudly enthusiastic D.P. - she certainly seems to love both those holes getting rammed - and her face bedecked with sticky spaff as they discuss the house rules concerning cleaning the dishes.
The second scene features Ophelia Rain with Xander Corvus and begins with Corvis awaking in his bed not, like Gregor Samsa, that he's been transformed into a monstrous insect whilst somnolent but to find that his sexual partner is now a different actress. At least, that's how I read the scene at first: we have one of the performers upon which we've just perved in the previous scene waking up in an obvious post-coital situation but the female protagonist whist still a Wednesday has seemingly regenerated into a newer form. That's very probably not meant to be the case, though, and it's just the way my brain does things.
Ophelia!Wednesday acknowledges that she may have had fun the previous evening and makes ready to leave, giving the number 666 - because "Satan is real", obvs. - when he asks if he can at least get her number. She soon decides to remain and do the sexing again, though, because "Your penis was like rigor mortis, and I want to have it again before I die". None more goth. Maybe not a sparkle goth, but she'll get some sparkle soon. Maybe some glitter up her shitter if she asks nicely.
Gasping with delight throughout a preliminary fingering, she responds equally affirmatively to a tongue in the pussy and a finger probing her arsehole before submitting to a vigorous face fucking with her pigtails held like handlebars as he uses her mouth like a cunt. Flipped and fucked doggy-style for a while, she eagerly receives it in the rectum ("Up my hole, yeah!") spreading her pink for us as her arse is hammered to the hilt to a pretty convincing screaming orgasm. Which kind of makes sense, that being the name of a cocktail and she having a cock up her tail.
And so on to the highlight of the film for me, which serves us Joanna herself with Mark Wood. And believe me, wood shall be achieved.
In the words of the late Macho Man Randy Savage (or was it Yello? It's so easy to get those guys mixed up): Ohhh yeah.
Mr Wood knocks at the door of stately Angel Manor in the guise of a worker for the gas company and asking for "Mr Small Hands", which rather begs the question as to whether the lady who's answered the door in the Spirit Halloween Wednesday cosplay is meant to be Joanna Angel in character as Wednesday Addams - or, rather, a Wednesday Addams - or as a fictionalised version of herself. Either way, Mr Hands is not available possibly due to a gas leak, and the baffled gas man is directed to use the rear entrance to gain access; this is definitely not the last time he will obey this instruction over the coming (cumming?) minutes.
From the back garden, he witnesses the spectacular sight through the window of Joanna sliding off her panties on the black-sheeted bed and sliding an ebony dildo into her pussy with the rather appropriate salutation "Hail to the darkness! The void is opening!". It surely is. Summoned into the boudoir by the power of her sex magicks, how can our hapless helper do ought but obey when ordered to "put that clipboard down and stick that dildo inside of me"? Once she's nicely lubricated with a thorough tongue lashing and stripped down to her black high heels, she feasts on man flesh like a hungry orc taking that johnson deep down her throat. Some rigorous choke-fucking serves as the warm-up to her spreading her cheeks to have her ass reamed out.
Hnnggg. I'm pretty sure that was the exact sound I made as my nuts emptied at this point, which as pretty much as high a recommendation as can make for this type of thing, really. Still, we must soldier on I suppose. After some energetic cowgirl riding, we get some more enthusiastically-received rimming before some orgasmic (both her and me; the fact that I'd already gone five minutes earlier didn't stop me and my poor testes are like raisins) anal. "I can take it!" she shrieks, but I don't know if I can. There's still at least one scene to go.
I don't know if I'm going to be able to walk after this.
The fourth and final scene of this titillating tetraptych brings us sexy suicide girls Judas (as Monday Addams) and Necro Nicki (as Tuesday Addams) who meet the palindrome-tastic Ramon Nomar on the street as he's handing out leaflets and perhaps naively asks them whether they'd like to party. These girls are up for semen.
"Fuck our brains out - the Abyss is waiting!"
Nice girls being nice, getting nasty. To be honest, I'd all but checked out by this point despite both ladies' enthusiasm during a lovely sloppy double blowjob with ball sucking and some of the best ATM action seen on screen since the late Chandler Bing got stuck in a vestibule with Jill Goodacre.
I really should give this segment another go after a little lie down when I can give it the attention it deserves.
So there we have it. Incidentally, I watched this film in order to write this here review or whatever this is on a Saturday morning. I have no idea how traditional (I almost said 'hardcore', but that would have been absurd wouldn't it?) Ms Angel is in her beliefs and whether or not I'd be castigated by her for wanking on the Sabbath - after all, it could certainly fall under the classification of manual work, and I certainly worked up a sweat - but maybe I want to be castigated by her. Really, really hard.
Right. That's it - you can fuck off now while I wait for my balls to regenerate. There I scene I need to get my breath back and rewatch...
Wednesday, 17 September 2025
Doctor Who: The Masters of Luxor (Frank Smialek, 2001)
Oh look, he's talking about Doctor Who again. Must be a day with 'day' in it, I guess. This year's season is over and as of the time of writing we seem to be in a sort of Zero Room of "pathways to continuation" and the whole enterprise (the series, not the starship; wrong franchise mate) seems to be in a state of stasis as to when the show will return and I'm jonesing for my Who fix - I desperately need new, or even "new" (to me) old Doctor Who to watch!
And waffle about, of course.
I don't do it on this blog all that often though, not as a review anyway - I'm aware that the show does get referenced a bit, that's just how it goes when you've been immersed in a fictional (how dare you, sir? It's real, I tells thee!) universe since the age of three (that'd be 1982, fact fans: my earliest memory of television is Peter Davison's Doctor and Adric in the woods, which would probably be 'The Visitation' rather than 'Kinda' - I like to think I could discern a real life location from a studio set even at that age but I'm kidding myself of course. I thought that Biggins really was in the jungle in On Safari) it's just second nature. It's just how my brain works.
Or doesn't, depending upon your point of view.
I think the first time I encountered the word 'periwig' I assumed it was a hairpiece cut into a brunette bob a la 1984-vintage Nicola Bryant. This isn't true of course, it's a joke, but you get my meaning. I'm actually slightly surprised at how much I've restrained myself over the years from constantly rambling on about Who - I think the last time was my review of the first story featuring the Barbara Benedetti incarnation of the Doctor, 'The Wrath of Eukor'* (see HERE if curious), and I do intend to watch the other three entries in her oeuvre at some point, as well as the Projection Room flicks featuring the Chris Hoyle embodiment of telly's titular Time Lord and to rewatch Krystal Moore's groovy Doctor Who Velocity (the Tron crossover [yes, you read that right and it's as glorious as it sounds] especially) - gosh, the expanded universe of fan films is big - but for now I'd like to turn to something I've wanted to watch for a long time.
[*Wrong, you fool! You've forgotten your rambling, probably drunken maunderings about last year's season - Ed.]
Anyway, as many will know the history of Doctor Who like every television show encompasses as many storyline routes not taken as were - fictive forks in the road unexplored as scripts were rejected or abandoned for sundry reasons, mostly ones of sheer practicality. The earliest comes with just the second ever story, as Terry Nation's 'The Daleks' was not originally scheduled for that place. Odd though it may seem from the distance of more than sixty years of cultural history that includes the Skaroine pepperpots, the show's four-part debut 'An Unearthly Child' (or '100,000 B.C.' if you're one of the contrarian elitist editors of DWM, or even 'The Tribe of Gum' if you go by the Titan script books - and more thereon soon) was originally to be followed by another story from the same author: Anthony Coburn. Though now probably best known to Who fandom for fathering a rather problematic man, Coburn was also the progenitor of many of Doctor Who's iconic staples such as the outer form of the TARDIS as a British Metropolitan MacKenzie Trench police box and the character of schoolgirl 'Suzanne' being reformatted as the Doctor's unearthly grandchild Susan. Having delivered these initial four scripts, Coburn embarked upon a second serial - variously titled as the rather prosaic 'The Robots' but later settled on as the much more evocative 'The Masters of Luxor' - comprising of six episodes and set on an alien world to contrast with prehistoric earth setting of the bulk of the opening story (apart from the present day 1963 of the opening instalment), and having a much more science fiction bent.
However, as we know, this was destined not to be and the story went unproduced in favour of Nation's less philosophical and more pulp action serial influenced 'The Daleks' seven parter and the course of history flowed in the direction that we all know. Coburn's second story (and final one, he never wrote for Doctor Who again) was forgotten - indeed his first one went unremembered to the extent of Trivial Pursuit citing Terry Nation as the actual instigator of the show. But in the early 1990s, during the series' wilderness years away from the screen, Titan Books produced a sadly short-lived range of published script books and astoundingly to my young self included 'Luxor' among their number. In fact, so astounded was I that I dropped the book in the bath at one point (in the interests of accuracy, this may have been more to do with falling asleep than astonishment) and the cover and pages are still all crinkly. Much like the pages of the magazines under your bed, only not with the 'good pages' stuck together with your special glue. That probably isn't a thing these days, what with the internet and everything. But it wasn't just me reading it and imagining what might have been had this story have been made - across the ocean in Chicago in the space year 2001, some crazy college kids went as far as actually realising it. Manifesting it into reality, if you like - only by actually getting off their arses and doing it rather than the power of hope or whatever.
Director Frank Smialek and his Doctor actor Anthony Sarlo decided to edit the originally scripted six parts ('The Cannibal Flower', 'The Mockery of a Man', 'A Light on the Dead Planet', 'Tabon of Luxor', 'An Infinity of Surprises' and 'The Flower Blooms') down into the more traditional - at least by the standard of the '70s and '80s - Doctor Who shape of four twenty five-ish minute episodes. Another alteration was to make Susan the Doctor's niece rather than granddaughter, which both better suited Sarlo's more youthful Doctor than William Hartnell and - probably completely coincidentally - echoes Jill Curzon's Louise and her relationship to the Peter Cushing Doctor in the 1966 Amicus/Aaru feature Daleks: Invasion Earth 2150 A.D. Which is canon as fuck and totally amazing, I insist. I really do.
Episode One: The Cannibal Flower
As more adventurous (to reference a great Rilo Kiley album, and why not?) teacher Ian heads outside to explore with unearthly child Susan, his erstwhile staff room compatriot Barbara remains in the ship to aid the Doctor in detecting the sudden and mysterious power drain of the TARDIS' systems. Ian and Susan come across an empty space age banqueting hall replete with long table bedecked with a feast, a scenario that puts me in mind of something out of an Ian Livingstone and Steve Jackson Fighting Fantasy roleplay novel (roll the dice to decide what happens next: will Susan give in to her hunger and tuck into the feast only to find it poisonous, or will Ian have a Skill and Stamina score high enough to stop her?) but the Sixties schoolmaster references the Grimm tale of 'Hansel and Gretel' being fattened up for the witch's dinner instead. Curiosity the cat killer - maybe that's what wiped out Gallifrey's native Killer Cats of Geng Singh! ZOMG, it suddenly all makes sense and must indeed be canon - overcomes Ian and he presses a switch which causes some robotic automatons to emerge from concealed recesses in the walls (Coburn's original and less evocative title for this story of course being the rather prosaic and perfunctory 'The Robots') which of course causes Susan to emit a shrill scream though at least she doesn't find a way to twist her ankle. These silver bacofoil '50s space adventure-style robots appear to be inert and totally lifeless and thus presumably mostly harmless; Ian and Susan rejoin Barbara and the Doctor in the feasting hall just as the automatons twitch into life and follow them...
Episode Two: The Mockery of a Man
"The masters of Luxor have made us well, and we serve you."
Shown to their rooms to rest and provided with fresh and futuristic clothing (my sadness at Susan changing out of her school uniform is quickly alleviated by her and Barbara's new outfits consisting of form fitting white dresses with side splits and go go boots - it's like they're catering to all of the fetishes) the crew relax and enjoy themselves, Barbara relishing the use of the baths of Luxor to wash the cobwebs of the "caves of Za" right out of her hair in a nice continuity nod and both she and Susan mocking Ian's white leotard as looking like an acrobat about to attempt the high wire. They come across a map of the city of Luxor, prompting the Doctor to muse "If that's Luxor, where's here?"
Another kind of droid, one with glowing Jawa-esque eyes that calls itself a Derivatron, enters the room and tries to question the existence of the team. Which seems needlessly existentialist to me, but important to the Derivatron who speaks of taking them to 'the Perfect One' and prompting the Doctor to demand "Take us to your Masters". So close, Time Lord. It's 'leader', you fool! Spooked by the Derivatron's parting comment about the rather rude mechanicals of this world having destroyed the "living men" who created them, the time travellers decide to make a break for it. Leaving the comfortable quarters-cum-cell that they were sealed inside, they make their way to an observation deck where they observe (well, duh) a weird experiment in which a captured man and another humanoid being (who we soon learn is the Perfect One, played by Matt Ellegood ) are strapped to elevated tables side by side and wired together in some sort of life force transfer. Think Larry Talbot and the somnolent Monster in Frankenstein meets the Wolf Man and congratulations, you've got it. But also commiserations because if that was your go-to mental reference then you've gt the same brain as me.
Mr Perfect (sadly, he doesn't perform a Perfect plex on anyone) explains that the 'Masters' first created the basic functional robots, and then the more advanced Derivatrons - for illustrative purposes he has models on tiers of differing height like the 'class' skit with the two Ronnies and John Cleese - before they dared to dream of him and he in his perfection destroyed the creators. This backstory is pretty similar to Ruk in Star Trek's 'What Are Little Girls Made Of?', basically. And without the power flowing through the City, which only operates when someone living arrives, the Perfect One is non-existent; making him pretty similar to the eponymous antagonist of the Red Dwarf episode 'Legion' too. This mockery of a man ("It's in the title", as Josh Spiegel of Movie Timelines would say) now wishes to transcend his origins and become a real live boy by draining the travellers' life forces into himself. He'd get on famously with Jano and the Elders from 'The Savages'.
And showing great taste, he is intent on feasting on Barbara and Susan...
Episode Three: Tabon of Luxor
As our knee-high boot wearing heroines are strapped down firmly (for the plot and not purely in order to cater to my fetishes I tell myself), Susie Who makes her move: tearing free from her bonds with some kind of usually-hidden Gallifreyan super strength, or maybe an extra-dimensional power inherited from the Timeless Child - hey, isn't headcanon fun? - she bops a robot and a Derivatron and swiftly frees Barbara. Meanwhile, the Doctor and Ian spot a light through a window and the Doctor divines that someone out in the wilderness outside the city is flashing a beacon in the same one, one-two, one-two-three rhythm as the signal that brought the TARDIS to this benighted planetoid. Resolving to get down there, they break through the window and the Doc (I do usually kindly refrain from addressing him as such) takes a gander through his handy-dandy collapsible telescope leading to a neat P.O.V. shot - complete with making to simulate the scope - of an era-appropriate model of ancient-looking ruins in the near distance, I suppose. That's a little Puressence reference, for anyone counting my inevitably dated pop culture spots. The Time Lord and the teacher decide to chance the climb down the outer wall of the city to get to that temple of secrets and find out what's going on.
Recaptured by the robots, "these women creatures" as the Perfect One refers to them and thus making his sound like a proto-incel and leading me to wonder if Luxorans Going Their Own Way was a movement that led to their seeming extinction are conveyed to the 'guest apartments' under order to rest and take food and wine. I mean, it would be inhospitable to do otherwise.
"The order is registered."
Out in the wilderness, Chesterton and our hero are exploring the ruins and find what appears to be a stone sarcophagus bearing an elegiac eulogy in overtly religious language (something of which there was apparently a lot more in Coburn's original scripts, including presenting the usually rationalist Doctor as someone who balances science and faith equally, whilst quoting Karl Marx) including the legend "O Lord, please deliver them from flesh", which to me sounds almost Cronenbergian. Alas, we aren't going to get my dreams of body horror realised here, but there is a smidge of Universal / Hammer style gothic as the hermetically-sealed tomb is opened - the Doctor wishing that he had "a sonic..." something to hand - to release a cryogenically preserved man (Kirk Jackson) whose lowered lifesigns are rapidly on the rise as he returns to the land of the living. As Tabon - for 'tis he - rises from his self-imposed grave like an Altered Beast and we find that 'twas he who was the original creator and onlie begetter of the Derivatrons and who conceived of the creation of the Perfect One only to retreat out here in the fields to preserve himself in his cryogenic crypt to hide in shame from his Promethean endeavours.
Did you know that an early, and now sadly lost, cinematic adaptation of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, or The Modern Prometheus (to give her novel it's full and cool title) was Joseph Smiley's 1915 Life Without Soul? The title wafted and wended through my mind as Tabon went on about how he created life, but without a soul. Which makes him I suppose the Victor in the end, with the Perfect One his creature or demon (it's never referred to as 'the Monster' in the text as frustrated Karloff fans have discovered through the ages).
Episode Four: The Flower Blooms
The finale opens - like the titular blossom - with our heroes having thought of Susan and Barbara whilst squeezing themselves up a dark and dangerously tight shaft with the expectations of it all ending with a messy explosion, for Tabon has conveyed that the Perfect One has control of the Luxorians' atomic stockpile and it's almost never a good idea to let someone with dodgy motives who wants to prove themselves to be a real man have unfettered access to your arsenal. Unfortunately, the unknowing Susie 'n' Babs have slightly damaged the saint of (im)Perfection with a jerry-rigged trip wire which risks the whole planetoid; if he/it dies then the nuclear magazine will detonate and take everyone and everything with them. Hang on to your ego there, metal man. Baffled by Barbara and Susan's recitations of "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers" and "Mary, Mary, quite contrary" and especially especially unnerved by the two women laughing at him (I'm telling you, definitely an incel-bot enraged by girlish giggles), the not so Perfect One declares that "the meaning of all this is that it has no meaning" and resolves to end their lives by absorbing them into himself as the Doctor, Ian and Tabon race to rescue them.
"And the last enemy that shall be destroyed is Death."
I really would encourage anyone interested in the history - including the alternate 'could have been' histories of short trips and side steps - of Doctor Who to check it out. It's available to watch at time of writing as part of the Doctor Who Fan Film Database on Youtube. Show it some love and prove that you are a human with a soul and not a robot. Or don't, whatever.
Shot on colour digital videotape and then converted to monochrome with an authentic to the period electronic score composed by Smialek himself, 'The Masters of Luxor' is a pretty unique artefact: a fan film that's an adaptation of an actual official set of BBC-commissioned Doctor Who scripts, rather than the usual fan-penned fanwank (which I of course mean in the sense of fannish wallowing in continuity [I'm looking at you here, too, Big Finish; no, Nick, "What if Bellal met River Song?" is not a 'lovely idea' worthy of multiple box sets], rather than what happened to that lad who won the competition to have a sleepover at Mike Yates actor Richard Franklin's house [IYKYK]). And that isn't a slam on all fan films at all - as I've said I do mean to dive into more in the future - it's just that this has a standing of it's own apart from the others, in my view at least.
A weird glimpse into a parallel timeline (ah, but is it a continuation of the 1970 Parallel Time dimension from Dark Shadows? And was that itself the same continuum as 1841 Parallel Time? ANSWER ME! This is what goes on inside my head the whole entire time, you know - it's like Herman's Head if the voices contained within Charlie Brewster were constantly arguing over continuity and canonicity) where Anthony Coburn's second story followed his first instead of Terry Nation's 'The Daleks', it's certainly an interesting plane of reality to visit but I'm not sure that many would want to live there permanently.
Wednesday, 10 September 2025
Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror (David Lee Fisher, 2023)
Wednesday, 20 August 2025
The Collector (William Wyler, 1965)
We have lost one of the beautiful faces and talents of 1960s British cinema.
The news of the death (people tend to say "passing" these days in regard to this sort of thing, don't they?) of the iconic Terence Stamp should not have come as a shock, really, The man was 87 years old, after all. Yet there was something about him - and I'm not just talking about his role as Kryptonian villain General Zod in Richard Donner's 1978 Superman and its 1980 Richard Lester sequel (and yes - the Lester version being superior to the 'Donner Cut' is a hill I am prepared to die on, whether Mr Stamp would agree with that assessment or not; I shan't litigate all of the reasons why I fervently hold to that here though. Another time mayhap) - that seemed as indomitable and permanent of the rock of Gibraltar.
He's far from the maddening crowd of humankind and reality now.
In considering something to review as my own meagre tribute to the great man, after mulling over everything from Steven Soderbergh's The Limey ("You tell 'im I'm coming!!!") to the 1967 Ken Loach joint Poor Cow that it 'sampled' (might have made for a good twin-spin double review) my thoughts first turned to his turn as the titular 'Toby Dammit' in the Federico Fellini-helmed segment of the 1968 portmanteau film Spirits of the Dead, based on the mysterious and imaginative tales of Edgar Allan Poe - the Fellini/Stamp collaboration being based on the story 'Never Bet the Devil Your Head'. Great though Stamp is in that movie, however, he commands only a third of the film; the others being led by Jane Fonda and Alain Delon respectively. Thinking there must be something else Stamp had done that was genre-adjacent (in the area, see?) it suddenly hit me that I'd had in my possession for years and yet for some unfathomable reason - it's time, it's always time-related - not got round to William Wyler's The Collector.
Based on the 1963 novel of the same name by the posthumously problematic John Fowles, author of The Magus (filmed by cinematographer par excellence Guy Green in 1968, starring Michael Caine and Anthony Quinn) and The French Lieutenant's Woman (brought to the screen by kitchen sink pioneer Karel Reisz in 1981, courtesy of a script from pausing playwright Harold Pinter), the film adaptation was taken on by German-born Hollywood veteran, cousin of Universal pictures founder 'Uncle' Carl Laemlle and director of classics such as the 1939 Olivier-Oberon Wuthering Heights (not my own personal favourite adaptation of the novel, I have to say: as a Brontesaurus I much prefer the 1978 [contemporaneous with the eponymous Kate Bush anthem, pop pickers!] BBC Hutchison-Adshead version) and Biblical chariot porn Ben-Hur William Wyler.
The mid-1960s of course was the epicentre of the 'Swinging London' trend that saw many productions happening in the Happening United Kingdom; whereas the previous decade had seen some directors and writers moving to Britain from Hollywood they had been blacklisted victims of the McCarthy witch hunts such as Joseph Losey and Cy Endfield. By the middle of the Sixties however, many would choose to work across the Pond rather than out of necessity. The Collector's uncredited co-screenwriter Terry Southern had worked with Stanley Kubrick on Dr Strangelove the previous year and with Christopher Isherwood on adapting Evelyn Waugh's (and I still say that should be pronounced "Evellin Woff" rather than "Evil-Lyn Waah") The Loved One the same year, and would go on to co-pen Easy Rider with Peter Fonda and Jack Nicholson after this period of a flurry of UK-centred work that saw the American writer constantly jetting back and forth across the Atlantic doing a lot of his script work in the air over the North Pole in that aeroplane over the sea.
My first becoming cognisant of the movie was of course due to the baleful influence of Morrissey - another man who, like Fowles, has gone from feted for his earlier creative output to acknowledged as problematic for his sometimes repellent views though Mozza has managed it whilst still alive - due to the cover for one of my favourite Smiths tracks, the coruscating and effervescent 'What Difference Does It Make?, featuring a still of Stamp in character as Freddie Clegg. Though Stamp's initial demurring meant some early copies had Steven of Trafford himself cosplaying Clegg, with a hilariously incongruous glass of milk in place of the chloroform.
Zod (Not Zod).
Got milk? You're not going to pin and mount anyone like a butterfly with that, sonny boy.
Billed sardonically as "almost a love story", the picture opens by introducing us to Freddie (Stamp, his eye blue eyes at their most chilling) frolicking in the countryside with his butterfly net and cyanide jar, happily catching and killing defenceless beautiful creatures as is his wont. Stumbling upon an empty and isolated rural house that's advertised as being up for sale, he starts to explore the grounds and is apparently entranced when he finds the property has a very spacious dungeon-like cellar - the score turning from bucolic to baroque as his plan forms in his mind. Freddie is, of course, stalking attractive art student Miranda Grey (Samantha Eggar, in her feature debut) and has designs on her that are rather different to the kind one gets studying art and design.
Kidnapping Miranda to keep prisoner - of love, like the song that closes The Producers - in his newly acquired underground hidey-hole, Clegg (not to be confused with the eponymous protagonist of the Lindsay Shonteff movie) is quite clearly a dangerous obsessive who keeps his captive in relative comfort (unlike fellow deceased British star Julian Sands' Nick in Boxing Helena, he at least allows Ms Grey to retain her limbs) and proclaims that he will allow her to go free after thirty days - an allotted period that he has deigned to be enough for her to begin to "love" him. An intense psychological cat and mouse game between Freddie and Miranda unfolds; the film's minimal cast means that the majority of it is carried by the two of them, a bit like Malcolm McDowell and Madolyn Smith in The Caller (a film I covered last year).
While I thoroughly enjoyed The Collector and would exhort all to give it a whirl; I find myself loath to go into as much plot detail as I usually would in order to leave readers the room to discover the majority of the movie for themselves. I thought I pretty much know everything about it before I'd watched it (one can't really complain "SPOILERS!" about a film that was made fifteen years before one was born, in my view) but there remained some elements to be discovered that took me by surprise. Especially the ending. I thought Markus Schleinzer's Michael was downbeat. Yeesh.
For a somewhat lighter variation on the theme, 1968's The Bliss of Mrs Blossom is a female-led reflection of the film. Co-written by It'll Be Alright On The Night stalwart Denis Norden, it stars Sweet Charity herself Shirley Maclaine as a housewife who keeps her (consenting, in this case) lover locked in the attic of her house. This gender-flippery somewhat echoes the ultimately unused ending that Terry Southern was brought in to write for The Collector, when the producers were getting cold feet about the bleak ending of the tale getting past the scissors of the censors, which would have seen Miranda turn the tables on Freddie and have him as the prisoner. Oh, how the turns have tabled.
Featuring Palme d'Or winning performances from both Terence Stamp and Samantha Eggar - along with a Best Actress Golden Globe win for Eggar's blistering turn - and with a music score by Maurice Jarre, composer of David Lean epics Lawrence of Arabia and Doctor Zhivago and father of avant-garde soundscapenik Jean-Michel, The Collector is well worth a Terrace Stomp at anyone's home football ground. I can highly recommend the Indicator Blu-ray, which is bedecked with interesting extra items including a locations featurette and interview snippets with Stamp, Eggar and Wyler and deserves pride of place in any... uh... collection.
Monday, 21 April 2025
Nightmare Classics ([a.k.a.: Shelley Duvall's Nightmare Classics], 1989)
"All that we see, or seem... is but a dream within a dream."
Amidst the myriad video tapes I owned as a child that contained something to the effect of a werewolf - for I was most obsessed as a youth with the transformation 'twixt human being and animal or monster - was, it may surprise some, the Cannon Video release of said dread studio of Golan and Globus' 1988 adaptation of Red Riding Hood. In defence of my younger self, I'd picked up the tape having confused it with half-remembered memories of Neil Jordan's awesome 1984 cinematic take on Angela Carter's The Company of Wolves. Anyway, this tape was watched once or twice in disappointment and eventually lost to the ravages of moving house and carrier bags full of old and unloved books and videos going to charity shops. It was years later, when trying to look up this artefact (did it really star Isabella Rosselini and Craig T. Nelson, or had I imagined it?) that some confusion led me to another 1980s string of fairy tale adaptations produced around the same time as Menahem and Yoram's efforts - this time spearheaded by the late Shelley Duvall (either the embattled Wendy Torrance of Stanley Kubrick's The Shining, or Olive Oyl incarnate from Robert Altman's Popeye, depending on whichever 1980 production by a Hollywood maverick one might have in mind).
Henry James' masterful tale and enigmatic tale of psychological horror The Turn of the Screw had been adapted a number of times for the screen - both silver and small - by 1989, as well as a two-act chamber opera composed by Benjamin Britten (which featured a young David Hemmings singing treble as young Miles, long before his roles in Antonioni's Blow-Up and Argento's Profondo Rosso). In addition to Jack Clayton's astounding 1961 adaptation The Innocents - one of the best genre movies ever made, in my opinion - versions of, and variations on, the story that I have seen include Michael Winner's... erm... interesting 1971 prequel The Nightcomers, Dan Curtis' titular 1974 television adaptation with a screenplay by genre stalwart William F. Nolan (a pretty decent version despite things having to be toned down for the '70s US small screen, which has Megs Jenkins reprising her role as housekeeper Mrs Grose from The Innocents as well as featuring an all too brief appearance from the lovely Kathryn Leigh Scott as the spectral Miss Jessel), and a 2009 BBC production penned by Sandy Welch (Mrs Stephen Poliakoff) which I mainly remember for starring Downton Abbey's Michelle Dockery and having some pretty steamy dream sequences to illustrate the governess' mounting sexual frustration. Frankly, I found the prim and buttoned-up Deborah Kerr much sexier, but that's probably down to my fetish for Victorian female clothing. I blame watching Jemma Redgrave in Bramwell during my teens.
Directed by Graeme Clifford and airing August 12 1989, the Nightmare Classics rendition of The Turn of the Screw stars Amy Irving as the anonymous governess who is retained by David Hemmings' (a nice piece of casting) louche and slightly dissolute - not an acting stretch for Hemmings, one thinks - uncle, named Mr Harley in this version, to take charge of his young wards Flora (Irina Cashen) and Miles (Balthazar Getty, years before he banged Sienna Miller up the wrong 'un [I'm just jealous, probably - ah, but of whom, dear reader, of whom?]) during a luncheon meet bristling with innuendo as the unnamed minister's daughter-cum-aspiring duenna threads her serviette through the napkin ring very suggestively whilst claiming that "God is Presbyterian, and my father can prove it".