"Got to play that New Wave music - then they'll fuck you all day!"
Gregory Dark - that's a hell of a name, isn't it? Like a cool counter-culture Antipope, if underground punk and goth scenes had happened in the Middle Ages. Alas, the only kind of Goth you were likely to encounter in Gregorian times would either ransack and pillage you or knock up an impressively-architected (that's a word, right? Fairly sure it is. It is now, anyway) cathedral with carving in a now-obsolete East Germanic language.
This particular dark Gregory however has inspired a different kind of ransacking - the ransacking of one's dignity (especially if a parent were, say, to walk into the room whilst watching one of his works... my early teens were indeed traumatic, yes). By which I mean, of course, the ransacking of one's balls. The emptying of one's sack - perhaps into a sock. Look, we're talking wank material here. Again.
And pretty controversial wank material it is. I don't know how many people reading this are especially au fait with the early career of Traci Lords, but long before she sang with the Manic Street Preachers ('Little Baby Nothing' is actually a favourite of mine and despite being written in the hope of snagging Kylie Minogue, as they eventually would when she was in her slightly indie Impossible Princess phase, I far prefer the recording with Lords' vocals) and starred in more mainstream movies like Not Of This Earth, Cry Baby and A Princess of Mars she was a very naughty girl.
Very, very naughty indeed. Appropriate, then, that she should be enacting the role of a sexy devil (perhaps the most so until Old Nick got his old chap out for Saddam Hussein in the South Park movie) in this skin flick of sin. I say "appropriate", but of course it was very inappropriate for Ms Lords to lie about her date of birth in order to get into the industry and cause every adult movie she ever made apart from 1987's Traci, I Love You - filmed after she had turned 18 - to either be withdrawn from distribution in the US or have her scenes either removed or re-shot with different performers. Not in Europe, however, where - apparently - the lower age of consent (16 rather than 18) meant that the films in question remained on sale. Cultural differences between American and European approaches I guess; whether this points to European nations having a more nuanced view or sexuality or being wanton and decadent will of course very much depend on one's point of view. Does make one feel a little bit Prince Andrew-y in retrospect, mind. Like the time I busted a nut watching one of those 'audition goes porn-y' videos (you know the ones I mean: the gonzo style vids with the aspiring actress coming in all naive and the casting taking a sexy turn) featuring the model Marine Michaels only to Google her afterwards and find that the video in question wasn't as fake and set-up as I assumed. Felt awful afterwards and could barely watch it again.
Anyway...
Dark established his name - his actual name being Gregory Hippolyte Brown, the middle name no doubt marking his parents as either mythology geeks or Wonder Woman fans so probably the latter given her creator William 'Charles' Moulton's inspirations being Bettie Page and the bondage scene as well as he and his wife's polyamorous life partner Olive Byrne - as one of the founders of the alt-porn genre with the film in question, and would go on to helm mainstream fare such as music videos for the likes of sludge-grunge mainstays the Melvins and even Snoop Dogg's 'Undercover Funk' (featuring Doogie Howser and Celestial Toymaker Neil Patrick Harris) as well as a series of erotic thriller B-movies featuring stars of the genre like Shannon Whirry that were praised by none other than the BFI's journal Sight and Sound as groundbreaking staples. As much as Skinemax fodder can be, I guess. Not that I've got room to be snooty, snotty or sniffy and elitist about film genres: look what I'm reviewing here for fuck's sake. Dark also directed 2006 mainstream horror flick See No Evil, starring WWE wrestler Kane, but not the sequel which according to the internets was directed by the Soska sisters and stars Danielle Harris and Katherine Isabelle and why the hell am I not watching that film instead?
One thing at a time.
So we begin with an absolutely fucking rocking soundtrack courtesy of Mexican-American band the Plugz and their banging track (in more ways than one!) 'Electrify Me'. Honestly, with a tune like that playing over an opening shot (in more ways than one!) of Gina Carrera bending over and parting her pussy lips, we're off to a great start. Quickly followed in sexy succession by a parade of our lovely leading ladies, including Traci (credited as 'Tracy Lords' - Penthouse's September 1984 centrefold) in red devil horns, a garter and thigh high leather boots and earning the movie it's alternative title of Le diable par le queue or The Devil by the Tail, spreading and splaying as the titles introduce them - with an actual 'introducing' for Gina Carrera - the proceedings begin with Jimmy (porn legend and actually quite good Count Dracula - I really should get round to revisiting Dracula Sucks one of these days - Jamie Gillis) and his pal Jamal Lincoln Bubba Washington (Jack Baker) lounging around their apartment watching porn on the TV and discussing the tennis-playing habits of pimps. This everyday scene soon takes a turn for the weird(er) when Jimmy brings up the concept of new wave hookers: "chicks programmed to fuck by music" who are "nasty bitches" who'll "do anything". Proclaiming that they could "really lay some pipe" on said bitches if they ran a new wave brothel, the eager Jamal conjures up a scenario in which the pair are the proprietors of such a property - although Jimmy is now inexplicably employing a cod-Asian accent and insisting that he's Japanese. It's a nice enough office, replete with human Dog (Steve Powers) who barks in lieu of the phone actually ringing, but it's hardly UK Vice Girls.
Into this imaginary environ skates perky blonde proto-Rollergirl Candy (Desiree Lane) who's looking for a job and proves her valid credentials by being a big fan of new wave music and immediately producing a shiny silver dildo which she eagerly uses on herself whilst listening to said music on her headphones. If lace-up roller boots and big '80s headphones are a fetish, then I think I may now have it just as Jimmy must have a piece of that hairy snatch - bending her over on the couch and ploughing her doggy while the Dog and Jamal bark and shout encouragement before the Dog gets involved him/itself by fucking her in her greedy mouth whilst Jimmy continues from behind (two 'doggies' for the price of one!). 'Tis an energetic and fun little scene that ends with Candy taking the Dog's muck in her gob while Jimmy felches his own out of her pussy, before Jamal proclaims her a "good ho" and gives her the job. Happy endings indeed.
They receive a call from a customer described as a "high rollin' Arab" (pronounced "Ay-rab" as Americans sometimes do for reasons unknown) requesting the services of two of their ladies, Jamal advising the client that they can supply "the finest bitches" but that he'll have to play them new wave music (You know - that silly-ass rock 'n' roll shit!"). The ladies are the beauteous Nora (Brooke Fields) and the lovely Palace (Kimberly Carson), who meet 'The Sheik' (the conspicuously non-Arabic porn legend Peter North in a fez) at his Valentino-esque tent which they hope contains "a big hard cock". They're in luck. Beginning by engaging in some Sapphic fun together because music makes them "really horny" and because the Sheik's unintelligible Arabic meaning what we have here is a failure to communicate, the ladies prove themselves cunning linguists in the labia-licking language of love. Let's just take a moment to compliment the outfits they're wearing her, too: bright coloured high heels (I believe they're called "fuck me shoes", at least according to Germaine Greer) and diaphanous wisps of cloth are a great combination. After enjoying the show for a while pulling on his pretty prodigious pecker North gets in on the action, the fine young fillies alternately chowing down on his cable and licking his balls before the trio go at it in various positions (I think I'd have to put in a few leg days before I could manage the standing clasp - I'm 46 next week, you know) finishing with North firing a mammoth amount of man fat over buttocks and breasts. Noice.
Next call comes from "a couple of nerds" who desire some female companionship - more specifically "anal companionship" (causing Jamal to dub them "booty bandits"), and so Ginger Lynn Allen as 'the beauteous Cherry' is dispatched to fulfil the rectal desires of this pair of nervous students played by a doubling-up Steve Powers and Tom Byron. Arriving with the classic declaration "So... Boys, boys, boys, do you wanna? Do you wanna fuck me in the ass?" (and who could refuse?) Ginger Lynn swiftly strips down to little more than her white plastic belt (with a pair of decorative handcuffs hanging from it, which is both punk and kink and therefore perfection incarnate), bringing to mind Meat Loaf crooning "My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show's 'Hot Patootie'. Only the fumbling in this case is with her shit chute, as she commands the giggling lads to lick her arsehole before dropping to her knees to blow the eager freshmen to maximum hardness as a prelude to a very vigorous double penetration (possibly my favourite DP since Charlotte/Charlie's red latex gangbang, which I think is now only available to watch on Motherless) with Byron in the pink and Powers in the stink both hammering away until she ends up bathed in spunk. I'm just happy she kept the belt on the whole time; I don't know too much about fashion, but I know what gets me hot.
Back at the office, Jimmy is making enquiries as to whether "rat's ass" is a suitable meal for a Japanese gentleman despite his being neither. Jamal responds that sushi would be more appropriate (though, mind-bogglingly, states that sushi is more Chinese). Is if by magic, a Sushi Girl (cute brunette Kristara Barrington, who unlike Gillis is actually of Asian extraction with 'Kimberly Wong' and 'Chi-Chi Ling' among her alternate screen names) enters to serve the meal clad in a leather miniskirt which winds up hitched up around her waist as soon as Jamal persuades her to put on the cans and listen to some groovy choonz. After she becomes a slave to the rhythm and frantically rubs herself along to the beat, Jamal can't resist bending her over the desk and feasting on her wet ass pussy - so her sushi delivery notwithstanding there is a lot of munching fish pie going down. Whilst the Dog takes over fiddling with her flaps and Jimmy gets busy tucking into the actual food, she blows first Jamal - receiving a fountain of froth on her face - and then the Dog who proceeds to fuck her eagerly and vigorously on the table with a lot of verbal encouragement from his owners-cum-employers, cumming all over her stomach. Her heeled ankle boots are tres sexy too. Am I focusing on the wrong things here? No.
Next up is the infamous bit. We get a customer wanting to make it with the Devil and Jamal's promise that "she'll be hot as hell" leading to the scene of the Satanically-clad Tracy Lords asking an 'Angel' (Rick Cassidy in a literal white hat topped with a halo) if he wants to see and taste her "burning cunt", then mounts his face and gobbles his knob: the eternal struggle between Heaven and Hell artistically interpreted through the medium of a sixty-nine. You don't get this in Renaissance art. Well, maybe round the Borgias' place you did. God, those thigh boots are hot. I know, I'm doing fashion commentary again. This is getting like the Grazia of grot. Anyway, they look especially good when she's on her back with her knees hoisted up getting pummeled like a piston. I suppose it ends with Good 'conquering' Evil as the Luciferian lovely receives the symbolic (some bollock, more like) sacrament of sperm when the Angel busts a nut. I'd have done it on the boots, but that's just me.
We close with a big gangbang scene involving mos of the film's previously featured cast with the addition of Gina Carrera but sadly sans the participation of Kimberly Carson and Brooke Fields. Frankly, though, I was too knackered by this point to pay that much attention. Understandable, I hope. Balls like raisins, mate. It may take me weeks to recover.
Dark would go on to helm other classics such as the sequel to this film and several follow-up entries (heh heh) to Gerard Damiano's Georgina Spelvin-starrer The Devils in Miss Jones, as well as music videos for artists such as '90s MOR rockers Counting Crows, and popstrels Britney Spears and Mandy Moore. None of which would particularly approach the impact of this movie.
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