Inseminate the Doctor (Veronica Chaos, 2019) [NSFW]

Television's titular Time Lord

Name a sexy ventriloquist.

You can't, can you?  Okay, maybe Nina Conti.  Wait, who said Ray Alan?  Psychopath.

Anyway, it was only recently that the rather fetching cosplaying cam girl Ms Veronica Chaos penetrated my sphere (no, that's not a euphemism - though I should have absolutely zero objection should she express an interest in so doing), and her puppet-based antics have certainly (wood) rocketed her to number one in any such festive fifty of mine.  Okay, she's the only person on that list.  It's a niche list.

When one's main obsessions are i) genre film and television and ii) pornography, the amount of crossover can be quite surprising.  I mean, maybe not the ye olden days, when the best one could hope for would be something along the lines of Jamie Gillis and Annette Haven's antics in Phillip Marshak's rather genius 1978 Dracula Sucks (also known as Lust at First Bite, and I really should get round to watching that again sometime.  Purely for review purposes, obviously, and not at all because Ms Haven and Kay Parker are in it.  Dearie me, no), or John Leslie's (no, not that John Leslie!) 1988 AVN award-winning cash-in on the '82 Paul Schrader remake of Cat People - the rather obviously monikered The Cat Woman, which rather charmingly spawned a 1991 sequel titled Curse of the Cat Woman making Leslie the Val Lewd-ton of porn.  Yes, that pun was awful.  Your groans are indeed accurate.

These days, though, the porn parody of a genre title is a big thing with the once-niche market crowded with everything from Joanna Angel's Burning Angel studio's horror movie take-offs such as 2004's Re-Penetrator or 2012's Ash-tastic Evil Head, to the glut of Axel Braun-helmed naughty superhero bonkbusters, to Dick Bush's Danny D-starring parodies such as Sherlock: A XXX Parody (aka Sherlock Bones), to filth from a galaxy far, far away such as Star Wars: The Force Awakens - A XXX Parody and Star Wars: Underworld - A XXX Parody.  Yeah, i've done a few of these things now.  Only hundreds more to go!

I suppose my own first exposure to such wonderments (aside from Misty Mundae vehicles such as Lord of the G-Strings and Playmate of the Apes that would periodically manifest themselves from the Skinemax universe onto video shop shelves in all their softcore girl-on-girl glory) was probably Doctor Screw.  Produced by The Adult Channel deep in the dim and dark abysm of back-time known as 2006 when Who had made its glorious return on the BBC (hmm... jokes about pr0n... the words "on the BBC"... no, not spotting any opportunities there) and starring canonical Doctor Mark Sloan and his lovely companion Holly. Well, I saw four episodes of it, but I think it was enough to get the gist. Sadly, I never got to see Dr Screw's final confrontation with the Mistress, played by the very sexy Lena Frank aka Franki. I'll have to see if I can track the.. er... climax down some day.

I've also seen The Doctor or The Doctor XXX or whatever it's called. A fine continuation: they even brought back old Sloan for a regeneration scene into new younger Dr Screw Danny D at the start. It's like a mucky version of the 1996 TV Movie with McCoy handing over to McGann. Warms the cockles (sp?), quite touched my heart. Then Georgie Lyall turned up in it and something else got touched.

I've also seen the Wood Rocket Doctor Whore Porn Parody, which is amazeballs. Especially the bit where Rory says to Amy "I'm going to make my Angel weep all over your face". I bet Moffat's watched it.

I own Abducted by the Daleks but I haven't watched it yet. Apparently it's shit. I'll get round to it.  And I never got round to Dr Loo and the Filthy Phaleks, taking the puerile gags to the ne plus ultra with its portaloo (I was defeated, you won the war) TARDIS.  Which was named the TURDIS, as any nine year old would be able to tell you.

So out the three i've seen so far, I rate 'em:

Wood Rocket one

Classic Doctor Screw (just for it's charm)

The Doctor Screw XXX / The TVM.

Anyway, now that we're in the era of Jodie Whittaker and at last have the first incarnation of the Doctor that I would seriously like to interfere with (DILF?) since Paul McGann (look, i'd just turned 17 and the Eighth Doctor bewitched mine eyes and my heart and my crotch.  No, it wasn't just a phase - I still would) it's about damn time that a cosplaying cam girl retired the obvious Harley Quinn stuff for a while and got her Doctor on and me off.  Talk about fanwank.

Opening in a pretty nice CG rendition of the Thirteenth Doctor's infinity-mirrored and crystalline console room  (a TARDIS console room bemoaned by some sections of fandom, but one that I genuinely quite like - i've always wanted a crystal time rotor), proving that Adobe Aftereffects have come a long way since adding lasers to the eyes of the zombie alien in The Dark (that's a Brandon Tenold joke, and if you don't know who that is you should stop reading this immediately and go and subscribe to his Youtube channel, because he's cool.  But then come back and finish reading this: this blog isn't monetised or anything but I get what little validation for continuing to exist from people reading this stuff.  Sad but true), the Doctor is talking to herself about her most recent and risky mission to prevent a third Suicide Squad movie being made when her haven is invaded - by which I mean the TARDIS, we'll get to the other one shortly - by the latest in a long line of Last Daleks.

After some brief confusion on the Skarosian pepper pot's part as to whom it is facing -

"Is it the hair?  Do I need, like, a long scarf or something?"

"THE DOC-TOR HAS MORE CON-VIN-CING ACCENT."

(In fairness, unlike Costner in Sherwood facing the sheriff of "Notting Ham", Ms Chaos does make an attempt and at least pronounces words like "half" properly)

- the Dalek begins quoting Winston Churchill, having the unfortunate effect of rendering the awful 'Victory of the Daleks' canon to this wonderful universe despite my best efforts to forget it ever happened, before revealing its new protocol to rebuild the Dalek Empire: inseminating the Doctor and making her Time Lord body the mother of the new Dalek race.  After acquiescing with surprising speed, the Doctor lifts up her top and reveals her Gallifreyan goodies in order to allow herself to be scanned whilst indulging in this human thing that they call "foreplay".  It doesn't take much of this to get the man in a tin can sufficiently aroused to perform his duty, opening a hatch in its skirt section to extend a prosthetic wang on a pole and begin rhythmically machine-fucking the good Doc.

Looking extremely fetching getting railed by the red Dalek - and boy was my Dalek red too by this point - and even managing to emit an "Oh, bloody hell!" between moans (which at least makes her Britishness equal with that of Amanda Tapping's Helen Magnus from Sanctuary [has anyone done a porn version of that yet?  She'd totally fuck Bigfoot, I know it]), the Doctor is soon crying out "Inseminate me!" and with a croaking cry of "EJACULATE!" the Davros spawn delivers a Creampie of the Daleks in a nice POV shot that gives us a good look at her ring modulator.  Sitting up with legs akimbo, she then teases her pummelled pudenda until she expels not only a chunk of gunk but four pink plastic eggs of love (not quite the legendary ping pong balls being fired from a Thai lady [and I do wonder whether Boris Johnson would consider the resulting smell of such balls to carry a "whiff whaff whiff"], but amazing all the same) and declares that her new Dalek children will be Daleks of love.  Aww.

Fifteen minutes of fan service fun well spent, methinks.  Ms Chaos has done a couple of other Doctor Who-related videos - including seizing upon the obvious dom overtones of the "Kneel before me and call me Master" scene from 'Spyfall' to do a BJ scene (alas, pay day ain't until next week... So far away...) - as well as other genre filth such as the quite brilliant Twin Peaks video Damn Good Pornography and even a Daria cosplay (Morgendorffer muck FTW!).  I have an idea that her naughty creativity and ever so cute slight speech impediment (why yes, the sentence "like a young Nina Hartley" does make my pants perk up, thanks for asking) will be keeping me merrily entertained for a while.

Canon as fuck.

Horror of the Blood Monsters (Al Adamson [and others...], 1970)

"I am the vampire!  I have existed for centuries in legend, in fantasy, in men's minds - and, some say, in reality!  You must believe in me for me to exist, but those who have chosen to deny my existence have sometimes found me... a most... DEADLY... ENEMY!  I live by night, seeking fresh new blood to flow in my rather cold veins.  Many of my victims have joined my unholy legion of the un-dead... become creatures without souls, living only for hideous torment!"

So intones the legendary ball of crazy that took human form for a brief span to walk among us under the name of Brother Theodore (a.k.a. Theodore Gottlieb) in the opening confusing rush and whirl of Al Adamson's glaucoma-inducing cut 'n' paste disasterpiece Horror of the Blood Monsters.

Also known under a myriad of titles including Vampire Men of the Lost Planet, The Flesh Creatures, Seven for Infinity Against the Monsters from Space and - bafflingly - in France as The Monsters of the Planet of the Apes, this is a shining early example of the Godfrey Ho method of movie-making: namely, get hold of footage from a previously unreleased film by a totally different director, and then shoot new stuff and sew it together into a brand new patchwork product.  Adamson had previous form in this area, having already cannibalised his own 1965 crime thriller Psycho a Go-Go for re-release with a new sprinkle of sci-fi with John Carradine as a mad scientist for 1969's The Fiend with the Electronic Brain - and would reassemble it a third time with more new footage as 1971's Blood of Ghastly Horror.  A true pioneer of the green art of recycling film stock.  When crafty Al and his production partner Sam Sherman (head of Independent International Productions) acquired the rights to the 1965 Filipino sci-fi/fantasy film Tagani, only to find that it was black and white and that distributors for the drive-in market they were targeting only wanted colour by the early '70s, they quickly abandoned any plans to simply record an English language dub track and instead got creative about repurposing the footage for a new release IN LIVING COLOR [sic].

Responding to the threat of an outbreak of a plague of vampirism - represented by a what-the-actual-fuck-is-happening opening montage barrage of rapidly intercut vampire attacks (a man attacked in a warehouse by a vampire, a couple making out in a parked car wherein the girl suddenly sprouts fangs and attacks her paramour [good band, that - I used to fancy the lead singer something rotten], a john approaching a streetwalker only to find she's more creature of the night than lady of the night and he's going to get sucked in a different way than he was willing to pay for) and all this within the first three minutes, accompanied by Brother Theodore's unhinged narration - Earth in an unspecified 'near future' (i'm sure Lance Parkin will insist it's 1983 or something, despite all the space age advances on display) traces the origins of the scourge of the wampyr to a strain that arrived on Earth in the distant dawn of prehistory from the Tubatan vampire men of the far off Spectrum solar system in another galaxy.

You're taking notes, right?  There'll be a quiz at the end.

Dr Rynning (John Carradine, once again reduced to slumming for a cheque whilst being one of the best things in the movie) has assembled a crack team to accompany him in his space age XB-13 rocket to find the planet of the vampires (sorry, Al 'n' Sam, but Mario Bava had got there with that title and a much better film a few years earlier) and perhaps a remedy for the sanguine thirst gripping the Earth.  Mind you, he's not exactly assembled the A-Team here, he's more down among the Z-Men.  We have a fairly bland bunch consisting of Commander Bryce (Bruce Powers), Bob Scott (Fred Meyers), comic relief jokester Willy (Joey Benson) who is the only crewmember with a discernible personality, and Linda (Danish-born actress Britt Semand) who pioneers the Sigourney Weaver/Gwen DeMarco/Tawny Madison Galaxy Quest look with her blonde bob cut and having her jumpsuit unzipped to cleavage-revealing level.

Presiding over the team from Centre Neptune, deep beneath the sea Earth Control are Colonel Manning (Robert Dix, who'd been a crewmember in Proper Space Film Forbidden Planet and ought to have known better) and his trusty partner - in more ways than one - comms officer Valerie (Vicki Volante, whose six movie credits are all Al Adamson flicks).  Manning and Val oversee everything from their control room, which resides mostly in better looking footage from a different film, intercut with Dix and Volante speaking into microphones in front of a black cyclorama.

When the ship is hit by space radiation (sadly failing to give anyone aboard the powers of the Fantastic Four), they have to make planetfall somewhere in the Spectrum system.  Which is where they were heading for anyway, rendering the ten or fifteen minutes of faff about telemetry being lost, being knocked off course et al (their circuit's dead, there's something wrong) utterly pointless.  Rynning is well keen to explore this uncharted region of space

which he discovered himself (I like to think that the Spectrum system is also home to planet Spectra, eternal enemy of G-Force and instigator of the BATTLE OF THE PLANETS).  Making touchdown on the world they were aimed at in the first place, they find the atmosphere to be soaked in 'chromatic radiation', rendering everything outside the ship a uniform tinted shade of either yellow, green, blue or red depending where one is standing.  This, of course, is Adamson and Sherman's brilliant idea of the 'Spectrum-X' process, which allows them to splice their crew in with black and white footage without any jarring shifts between colour and monochrome - while also lending the scenes a charming silent film feel like when movies like Murnau's Nosferatu would be tinted sepia or blue to indicate day or night.

Oh dear gods.  I just compared Al Adamson to F.W. Murnau.  I feel sick.

After observing some dinosaurs (courtesy of the original 1940 One Million B.C., aka Man and His Mate), the team encounter Mailian (Jennifer Bishop, who would join Carradine later in 1970 for an even worse movie - the abomination that is Robert F. Slatzer's Bigfoot) - a cavegirl cross between Raquel Welch's Loana and Linda Harrison's Nova.  Mailian is being pursued by some club-wielding befanged cavemen who are soon finished off by the crew's space age weaponry (rifles and revolvers.  As Simon Phoenix would say "Where are all the phaser guns?").  After a brief bit of human vivisection in which they knock her out and slice her head open to implant a translator chip in her brain (not exactly Star Trek's Universal Translator or Doctor Who's TARDIS translation matrix) they can understand each other, and Mailian tells them of her home world (Usul).  This planet's inhabitants include her people, the human-like Tagani, as well as the vampiric Tubatan, the lobster men of the rivers (but not, sadly, the Lobster Man from Mars) and the bat men of the caves.  It's a budget Barsoom, basically.

Mailian is on a mission on behalf of the Tagani to seek out the famed Ramir and the warriors - who sound like either a terrible band or a great Saturday morning kids' cartoon - to help them in their fight against the evil Tubatan and the traitorous Akil (a goateed Tom Savini-looking motherfucker) who has joined them and taken captive the beautiful Tagani warrioress Leela (who is as deadly in battle and as great looking in a skimpy outfit as her janis thorn wielding Who namesake).  When she reveals that her other goal is to retrieve 'fire water' from the mountains and the crew figure that it must be petroleum with which they can refuel the depleted ship and ready it for take off, they resolve to join her on her quest (because, as the Bloodhound Gang so sagely advised us, Fire Water Burn).

After a number of daring quests involving encounters with the sundry creatures of this benighted world, the team (minus the late Bob and Willy, who are sad [not so sad in Bob's case, the characterless Zap Brannigan that he was] casualties of the mission) return to the ship not only with full oil cans but also a mysterious metal box they find half-buried in the ground.  With Ramir having bested the Judas Akil and freed Leela, Mailian sadly watches the rocket depart and returns to her tribe.  Aboard the ship, Doc Rynning (Carradine finally having something else to do, having remained aboard the entire time due to him only being hired for two days for a couple of hundred bucks) ascertains from the box that the planet once had an advanced civilisation much like our own before they developed thermonuclear warfare and bombed themselves back to the stone age.  He then cheerfully announces that they are all doomed due to the radioactive atmosphere and that Mailian and her victorious people won't be lasting much longer even having overthrown the vampires.  I love a happy ending.

Oh my god, we were wrong.  It was a shoe-horned in Earth analogue all along.  They finally made a vampire out of me.